


You Awake?

by pumpkinpasty420



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), POV Remus Lupin, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Short, Young Remus Lupin, Young Sirius Black, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-12 17:28:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29014356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pumpkinpasty420/pseuds/pumpkinpasty420
Summary: Just some wolfstar being angsty and loving each other. <3
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 30





	You Awake?

"Padfoot?"

"hm"

"You awake?"

Sirius, half awake, rolled over, his tired eyes meeting mine as I stood over him, nervously fingering the curtains surrounding his bed.

I had been laying in bed for hours, thinking. Thinking about why Sirius was with me. Why he wanted to be. I understand desire. I know we don't get to choose. If we did, I wouldn't have been swooning over him for the past 2 years.

When it started, it had been amazing. I felt like I could've lived off that first drunken kiss alone. But it just kept getting better. We'd be walking to the Great Hall when suddenly we would find ourselves pressed up against each other in an old broom closet. We'd sneak into the greenhouses past dark, where we knew no one would ever come that late. We'd wait until James and Peter were asleep for Sirius to climb into my bed, and we'd stay there for hours, trying to keep our breaths quiet. But now, there was more than desire. I always knew there was, but it had been easier to ignore.

But I couldn't stop hearing his voice. What he had said earlier that day replaying in my head as I tried to sleep. 

We were in an abandoned classroom. The door was locked, and my back was pressed up against it. Sirius's mouth was on my neck, and I could feel his heart beat on my chest. There was so much more I wanted from him. As much as I loved this, I wanted more. He must've been thinking the same thing, because as I grabbed his face to bring his lips to mine, he pulled back. My hands dropped to his waist, and his grey eyes met mine. At that moment I forgot about his lips. I just looked at him. I saw him, for who he really was. I felt like I could see into his core. Past the pain he's been through. Past the stupid pranks he pulls. Past the arrogant comments he's made. Past his mistakes. And he was good. The very best. 

I should've pulled away from him then. Before everything changed. But as much as I wanted the best for him, my own fucking selfish desires were too strong. I couldn't leave. In that moment, I couldn't live without his eyes, his mouth, his hair, every part of him. Inside and out. 

"I -" Sirius had started. I should've known where he was going. He was always one to act on impulse. To say what he shouldn't. To fuck his own life up. "I love you." 

I didn't know what to say. I wanted to yell, to tell him he was wrong. He couldn't love me. I could never be good enough. I couldn't look at his eyes anymore. I couldn't handle being able to see how good he is, and knowing that he loves someone, something, that could never give him what he deserves. Fuck.

I stared at his lips instead, pressed shut now. I could feel mine hanging stupidly open as I tried to think of what to say. What do I do from here? How do I tell him he can't have me? How do I show him that he's too good? 

"Moony, don't say anything." He kissed me again, and I leaned towards him, my hands tightened around his waist as his found their way up to my hair. My stupid fucking desire. 

A few seconds later, he pulled away, meeting my eyes again, but this time only for a few seconds. 

"See you at dinner," he smirked, and moved swiftly past me and out the door. 

We hadn't been alone for the rest of the night. I couldn't tell if he was avoiding me or if I was avoiding him or if it had just happened that way. Whichever it was, it didn't matter. I needed to talk to him. I couldn't think about anything else. I couldn't sleep, his eyes haunting me every time I closed mine.

"Sirius," I said stupidly. He nods, brow furrowing, but didn't say anything. "I can't," I lowered my voice to a whisper. I didn't know if it was to keep me from crying or to make sure no one else hears. "Sirius, I can't love you."

"Moony," he said in a tired voice. He was propped on his elbows now. He looked confused, and hurt. I'm hurting him already.

"No," my voice was louder now. I needed him to hear. I needed him to understand. "No you need -"

"You're gonna tell me what I need?" He said this even louder than me. James made a noise in the bed over, and Sirius turned his head before rolling out of bed, and walking towards the door. I stayed put, still stupidly standing next to Sirius's bed. "C'mon." He waved me over, and I followed. My eyes were fixated on the ground in front of me, as I cursed at myself for ever getting into this mess.

When I walked into the common room, I looked up to see Sirius staring at me. Fuck. His eyes.

"You don't get to tell me what I need." I ran my hand through my hair, frustrated.

"Fine, but you have to listen." He's never going to understand, but he has to. He needs to. "You're so good. So so good. And -"

"And you're not?" He sounded annoyed. 

"Fuck, Sirius, listen to me!" I'm angry now - at Sirius and at myself. I try to keep my voice even. If I yell, he'll just yell back. "When I look at you," I groaned out of frustration. How had I been thinking about this all day and still not know what to say? "When I see you, I can see how much you want to help other people. I can see how much you care about the people around you. I can see how much you want to be happy." 

Sirius looked even more confused now, his hands, which were previously balled into fists, relaxed. His face softened, just a little bit before saying, "I don't get how this has anything to do with you loving me." He had said the last part quietly. I felt a twinge in my gut. He's ashamed. Good, I thought, it'll make this easier.

"Because, I'm not an easy person to be with. You're gonna try to make me happy, and I just -"

"So you're not happy with me? That's why you can't love me?" 

"NO!" I threw my hands in the air, annoyed. I was yelling now. "Of course I'm happy with you. But I'm not good. I'm not like you. I'm a fucking -"

"I know what you are. I've always known. That's never stopped me." He wasn't yelling, but his voice still seemed louder than mine, more stern.

I groaned again and covered my face with my hands, pacing a few steps back and forth.

"Moony," he said calmly. Why is he so fucking calm? 

"NO!" I yelled again. "No, Sirius. Don't do that." I couldn't get a hold on my thoughts. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run past Sirius, and go away. Where I couldn't hurt anyone, especially not him. 

"Moony." 

"I'll never make you happy! You know it. You need -"

"Don't tell me what I need."

"Fine," I spat. "You deserve someone better. I don't want you to get stuck with me." There were tears in my eyes, and I hoped the light was too dim for Sirius to be able to tell. 

"Moony." Why does he keep saying it like that?

I covered my face with my hands again, and shook my head. 

"You're too good," It came out quiet and muffled. If Sirius didn't know I was crying before, he probably did now.

"Moony," I heard his footsteps as he walked closer to me. I looked up at him.

"Sirius, I need you to -" I started. 

"Remus," He interrupted me. His voice was so soft.

"I need you to understand." He grabbed my hand. The tears had stopped, but my face was still wet with them.

"Listen to me now," he said. I just nodded. I couldn't think of anything more to say. "You already make me so happy." I started to shake my head. He let go of my hand and turned around. It was his turn to get frustrated. "How do you not understand?"

"What?"

"What else do I have to do? I want to be with you. I really want to be with you." He was looking at me again. "What do I have to do to show you that I don't care that you're a fucking werewolf. I wouldn't care if you were a fucking hippogriff! I want to be with you!" He said every syllable of the last sentence so clearly. It felt like it hung in the air, like it was plastered on his face. 

"That's not the point!"

"Then tell me what the bloody point is. Do you not want to be with me? Is that it?"

"I wanna be with you, but -"

"Then what's the fucking problem?"

"I'm not enough for you!"

"You don't get to decide that! You can keep telling me how terrible you are, but I'm never going to believe it!" He was breathing heavy and his cheeks were flushed. Both our fists were balled up at our sides.

"Why not?" I felt the tears coming again, but I didn't care. "Why can't you just listen to me?" We stood in silence before Sirius spoke again.

"Because," he spoke more calmly now. "Because, I see you everyday. I watch you. I listen to you. And everything you do, everything you say is amazing. I won't believe you when you say you're not enough because just looking at you makes me feel so lucky that I even get to know you. I love you, Remus. And nothing you will ever say is going to change that." 

Fuck.

"And I don't care if you think you can't love me. Because everything you just said is bullshit. If anyone's too good it's you." I rolled my eyes at that, but I felt calm now. For the first time all day, I didn't feel like ripping my hair out. Goddamn Sirius Black. "Ok?"

I didn't say anything, and he grabbed my hand again, this time pulling me closer to him. 

"Fine," I mumbled, and he smirked, as he lifted my hand to his mouth and kissed it. 

"So going back to that hippogriff comment," I joked, making a face at him.

"Fuck off," He pushed me away, but was laughing. I pulled him back towards me, and kissed him.

"Back to bed?" He said when we broke apart. I nodded and followed him up the stairs. 

I crawled into his bed after him. I wasn't sure if it's what he wanted, but I think it's what I needed. I'm taller than him, but I rested my head on his chest, and curled up next to him. He kissed the top of my head, and I felt like it was the first time all over again. 

"Sirius?"

"Yes, love?" 

"I love you." I couldn't see his face, but I knew he was smiling.

"I know." He kissed my hair again. We laid there for a while. I could feel his breathing and knew he hadn't fallen asleep yet.

"You need to know how good you are."

"Don't tell me what I need," I said into his chest and felt him chuckle as I drifted off.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to anyone who reads this!! Hope y'all enjoy :))
> 
> Let me know any comments or suggestions!
> 
> Also wrote this pretty quickly. idk how good it is yikes lol


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